Personal reflections as I move through thoughts of 2023….
This was originally intended to be an Instagram Post – however the caption (as you’ll see below) ended up being WAY too long for either IG or FB to handle.
I’m getting real, raw, and vulnerable here. So I decided to make it a blog post where you can more easily read the entire journey.
2023 was a year of incredible expansion – preparing me for many amazing things to come in 2024!
Read the full post, below:
2023 was a year unlike any other 🤯 to say it started rocky would be an understatement
Truly, I entered 2023 in the worst void of my life!
Uninspired, unmotivated, feeling lonely and lost
The months preceding had shook me to my core
The first three months of the year I spent wondering who I was, why I was here, and questioning my purpose and passion.
I felt lonely, listless, directionless.
It wasn’t an easy place for this action-oriented human to be.
And, instead of letting it consume me or pushing it away – I sat with it.
Every. Damned. Day.
I didn’t meditate.
I didn’t do yoga.
I didn’t try to alchemize it away (though ya’ll know I had the tools to do that)
I sat with the hole. I sat in the void. I sat in the discomfort. I welcomed it every day. And asked it, what was it showing me? Why was it here?
These voids don’t come for no reason.
They come when we’ve been avoiding, neglecting, and down right ignorant of the messages the universe has tried to send us.
Sometimes they follow rock bottom moments. Sometimes they precede them.
It is these times that are truly gifts from the universe. They are invitations to pause, to reflect, to analyze.
What have we been missing in our lives?
As I sat with this void, which lasted from December 2022 all the way until May 2023, I became increasingly aware of what I had been avoiding. What I hadn’t been admitting to myself:
💖 after nearly 4 years on the road, I missed my friends and family in North America
💔 My current relationship was no longer serving me
🌴I wasn’t living my dream – I was living somebody else’s
🌩️I was minimizing my light to make those around me comfortable
🔥 I wasn’t following the pull of my own pleasure – into creative pursuits (singing, painting, writing) OR into the relationship dynamics I craved
🌈 I wasn’t allowing myself to connect deeply with the people around me because of some deep fears of rejection I had not yet alchemized
💥And – the biggest and hardest one to admit to myself – I was afraid of my own success. I was afraid of my own damned mission. I was afraid of truly stepping out as the empowered spiritual and sexual leader that I know inside I am, because I had stories around what this society and what the people around me would do, think, or challenge me in if I were to show up in this space.
Basically, I had allowed myself to slowly revert back to a smaller version of myself for fear of rejection. I had lost my voice, and I had lost my way. Completely giving it all up for the convenience of supporting someone else in their dreams.
Because it’s easy to hide under the shadow of another.
Maybe this resonates with you? Maybe you’ve been here? Maybe you’ve felt the need to hide, to limit, to constrict who you know you be, in favour of making those around you happy?
The irony is that this push to prioritize others actually made me feel more lonely and alone than any other time in my life.
It was a hard set of realizations, and yet it was so so fucking needed.
Those 5 months spent in the void, the first half of my 2023, set me up for incredible movement in the latter half.
It prepared me for what was to come.
It gave me clarity, vision, and voice.
It reminded me that not only am I perfect, worthy, and loveable in the depths of the void – and ALSO in the heights of my success.
It showed me that the very fact that I so feared my own goddamned mission, was the very reason it was SO needed.
And how DARE I settle for a life of smallness and comfort when I have been gifted such a massive mission on this planet?!
How DARE I hold back, when there are so many people waiting to be impacted by the truth of what I have to share?
How DARE I fear my own power when I’m here to change the world?
Thankfully, as I used my own tools of erotic alchemy, the fog slowly lifted.
When this void started to lift in May, I started to see my energy come back. My mission come back. My pleasure come back.
Downloads and transformations and energetic upgrades started happening on the daily.
It was a LOT.
And I consciously chose to lean in.
I’d love to tell you that the rest of the year was easy.
But that really depends on your definition of the word “easy”.
To me – it was easy. And yet, it was not without its challenges.
Following my void I was called to become a version of me that I had never been before. It called me to be more myself than I have ever been before.
And that meant leaning into edges I had been hiding from. It meant stepping into my power. It meant a LOT of very scary decisions. It meant consistently finding my edge, and allowing myself to lean into it.
This is where the tools of erotic alchemy really came into play.
As I expanded into ever deepening versions of myself, as I became more and more of myself, as I stepped into each new scary decision – my tools of erotic alchemy were there to support me.
They guided me and assisted me in bringing me back to my center; to check in with my intuition and make sure the decisions I was making were for ME and my future and not for anyone else; or due to some external pressure.
They helped me feel whole, worthy, and valuable – in every state of my being.
They increased my magnetism (online and offline) so that my connections, opportunities, and invitations rose.
They cleared out my throat chakra so that I could speak my truth more and more elegantly and powerfully.
They opened my heart so that I could accept love from friends, strangers, and lovers again.
And – when everything seemed terrifying – they regulated my nervous system, brought me back to gratitude, and infused my life with pleasure and flow.
I made a LOT of life changing, scary, and down right terrifying decisions in 2023.
And every single one of them was easy, because I followed my Eros and my pleasure. I developed unshakable trust in myself. And I LEANED IN when things were scary.
This looked like doing things that had previously scared the shit out of me, some of which seemed little but had incredible snowball effects:
🌊surfing
👩🎤Singing karaoke (for the first time ever)
🎨Painting
💖Opening my heart to friends when I felt their contraction or judgement
👯♀️Meeting my family where they were at
🗡️Setting firm and clear boundaries with myself and the people I was relating to
Sometimes big transformations start with leaning into the smallest fears.
Then, the bigger shifts started:
💥Ending my 4-year relationship
✈️Deciding to move back to North America
🔥 Re-launching my business
🚫Saying no to collaborations that didn’t feel good to me (no matter how much $ was on the table)
📣Showing up powerfully online, and in my mission, once again
I was able to make these big decisions because I had built trust and evidence in myself, and in the universe, by trusting the small scary decisions I had made before. Every little scary decision provided fuel to my fire, empowered and motivated me, and reminded me just how magickal I truly am.
And then, when I had shown my dedication and ferocity to being all of myself, that is when the floodgates opened:
🙈My 1:1 mentorship’s sold out
💃I welcomed 30 incredible souls into the first round of the SEA
🚀My social media exploded (nearly doubled in only 2 months)
📣Speaking invitations and facilitation invitations increased
📸 I walked the red carpet in LA
🎨Creativity poured out of me
🔥Outstanding, beautiful, heart-nourishing and highly erotic relationships fell into my lap in the most unexpected and beautiful ways
🦄My connection to source and my guides expanded beyond recognition
🔮My psychic and intuitive gifts opened up to places beyond what I could have imagined (that even catch me off guard on occasion)
👯♀️Friendships formed and deepened
🎉My dream condo in Austin manifested
💞Community formed around me in not one but TWO cities
👩🎤I started writing songs, poetry, and experiencing more bliss, love, and joy than I thought humans had the capacity to receive
🎄I was able to return home and celebrate Christmas with my extended family for the first time in 4 years
✈️I travelled to Estonia, Bali, Nepal, Austin, LA, Miami, New York, and Canada
❤️🔥My dream partnership in @hope_r.c arrived and has continued to blow my heart open in the most beautiful and profound ways
💗My trust in myself, the universe, and the cosmic nature of our reality has hit unprecedented depth and clarity
Truly, I am sitting here on December 27 2023 writing this post in complete and total wonder and awe.
If you had told me this would be my life one year later, never in a million years would I have believed it.
It is truly and completely better than I could have ever dreamed.
Which is evidence to prove that we do NOT need to believe something is possible for it to come into our reality.
Because truly, the December 27 2022 version of me would not have believed a single piece of this lived reality.
What I DID believe in is this:
I believed in myself. To be able to do the hard things, no matter what.
And to be able to do them whilst ALSO staying in my pleasure.
Whether that was choosing to sit with my void for five fucking months.
Or choosing to blow up the entire digital nomad lifestyle I had created for 4 years.
Or choosing to leave my relationship.
Or choosing to lean into new relationships.
Or choosing to say yes to a litany of big, scary invitations.
Or simply choosing to say yes to little things that scared me, like surfing or singing karaoke
Each decision to lead into my edge reminded me that I CAN in fact believe in myself.
And it is THIS belief that changed EVERYTHING.
Looking into 2024 with so much excitement, as I can already feel the threads of some absolutely incredible manifestations taking place
🎥 Podcast & YouTube coming soon
❤️🔥 More content for the Sexual Empowerment Academy
👯♀️ A larger team to support me in creating all this magick
🦄 More spaces for 1:1 mentorship
📣 More (& bigger!) invitations to share my message on even bigger platforms and stages
💖 More love, community, and family
💃 More dancing, more play, and more fun
🎨 More creativity; painting, singing, and song writing
✍️ My first solo-authored book
🔥 More Eros, deeper sex magick, and more communion with the Universe (solo and through partnered practices)
📸 More visibility than I’ve ever dreamed
🏡 Continuing to develop and beautify my two new homes
💰 More abundance, more giving back, more luxury
🚀 More cool ways to bring my message to the world (keeping that one a bit of a secret for now 😉🤐)
It is a fascinating duality, to sit in so much joy, wonder, and awe for what has already transpired. To feel so completely and fully nourished and at peace with everything that is; and simultaneously be so excited for the expansion that is yet to come.
This above list is going to call me to fall even deeper into myself.
Even deeper into my Eros.
Even deeper into my trust.
Even deeper into my authenticity.
To shine, claim, and stand in even more of my message.
To meet even more of my edges (some of which I can already feel)
To surrender even deeper into the flow of the universe.
To trust the magickal unfolding.
It will be another year of incredible expansion; I can already feel it rumbling beneath the surface.
And, I’m ready for it,
Let’s go, universe. 🚀
If I can leave you with some powerful closing words for 2023, it is these:
🦄 you can do hard things
🦄 the darkest night is right before the dawn
🦄 the scariest things are the ones that will move you the most
🦄 you are meant for so much more than your current reality
🦄 the better it gets, the better it gets.
🦄 the best is yet to come.
Let’s go, babes.
What are you moving through in 2023 so that your 2024 can be the best one yet?
