Driving home from mothers day
Reflecting on the deep, heart felt hug that my sister gave me as I was leaving
It felt longing
It felt scared
It felt like a goodbye
But not a normal goodbye
An “I’ll never see you again” kind of goodbye
And then it hit me
Sure I will see her again
But likely not for a very long time
It hit me that I am leaving
And at one moment a huge swell of excitement mixed with sadness and absolute terror crossed my mind
So many people move
So many people leave and come back
So many people leave and never come back
Does everyone experience this pain?
This fear? This sadness?
Or is this just me? A sign I shouldn’t go?
A recognition of the importance and value of that relationship.
A sense of regret allowed into my awareness for the first time.
A wish for more hugs, more love, more opportunities, more closeness.
For the times I wanted her emotional support, but didn’t know how to ask for it.
So we fought instead.
For the times I wished she would come to me for support, but she didn’t know how.
So we fought instead.
A wish for campfires and s’mores and sharing books. For staying up late telling stories and laughing about boys.
The stories of time wasted, lost forever, were strong.
This Me likes to inflict pain.
This is a new sensation; one long since pushed away.
Admitting regret is attributed to a deep displeasure with the present.
If the present isn’t terrible, what is there to regret?
We stand by this.
But as I soften, as I deepen into myself – I am learning to allow all emotions.
Every single feeling from every single location
Awareness is what makes us brighter
Lightening the shadows
The shadows that tell stories
Of missed opportunities
Of incomplete messages
Of broken sister love
We see the stories for what they are
A piece of darkness longing for light
For opportunity to heal, to breathe, to dance, to sing
With the light comes the truth
A beautiful relationship
With passion, and travel, and fun, and love
With anger, and frustration, borne out of compassion and care
Loving wrath that only a sister can bear
No shortage of bumps and bruises
Arguably more than many sisters could take
We wear the scars as badges of honour
Proof of the depth of our love
Despite all odds
Bring gratitude to the regret
Thankful for the longing
A symbol of such a beautiful life and two full hearts
Of meaning, of caring, of depth, of love
This connection has been surpassed for far too long
The pain held close as an excuse to stay guarded
And as I prepare to leave, the bandaid is ripped off
The wound open and bleeding
There is no love without blood
Thank-you, dear shadows, for showing me this pain.
For displaying the longing for a depth of love
Accessible to me if willing to see it
But just out of reach from a self-built wall
An invisible wall until painted by pain, fear, sadness
The new colours provide new perspective
Visibility and awareness of the seen and unseen
Ability to change, to recognize, to grow
Guaraded behind this pain(t) splattered wall
Restless, ready, radiant
Awareness releases the love, enables the soul
And now we sit
In the light
With tears of pain
And tears of gratitude
The energetic hug we so longed for
Memories of the best times
Of the growth times
Arise and pass
And in that moment,
We are so loved
The wall shatters
The pain(t) is gone
To reveal the love.
That was there all along.
Hidden behind a pain(t) splattered wall.
Thank-you, Kristel; for being such an incredible sister. I am sorry. I forgive you. I love you.
Until I see you again.
Keep smiling <3